There is a part of me that says - If you can't argue to the Commissioner the basis that the employee/your wife is entitled to your assistance, you failed the test to qualify to do so.

Sorry, that probably sounds harsh, but it isn't meant to be. Just a reality check...

If the Commissioner was soft on the employer as you suggest, you would probably have had to quote rules and precedents to turn the tide anyway. How well equipped are you to do that?