Two stories on Carte Blanche tonight, back to back, was not exactly a highlight for this country or for me.

The first was the Panorama segment on South Africa. Perhaps not as bad as it could have been - I'd read the transcript and new what was coming. Still, less than light viewing and a rather sharp reality check.

But the next story hit me hard. Maybe because my sense of patriotism was on the back foot just at that moment. Maybe.

The segment on the rape of Jamie Paterson hit me right between the eyes.

I felt the normal empathy for the fact that this girl and this family had been through a horrific ordeal. But we know this is a pretty regular event in South Africa.

I could relate to the matter of fact way you have to respond to crises such as these in the moment.
Derek: "I'm just amazed you could deal with all this happening."

Jamie: "It's not easy but what other choice do you have?"
Perhaps the thrust of the story is a girl and a family that have managed to cope. But that isn't what really got to me.

The big blow was this:
Derek: "Whether we talk about it over dinner parties or brood about it silently what has happened to the Paterson's encapsulates just about every one of our thoughts and fears. Is the situation getting better or worse? Is it worth the trade off of living in this beautiful country despite the dangers? Should we stay of go? And not all of us have the luxury of that decision."

Alan: "We've had house breakings. We have had smash and grabs. There's nothing new. If they had taken things again we would have said 'Oh God, again'. This was very different, this was gratuitous awful violence."

Jamie: "That is what is so sad. I was so full of optimism before and I had planned my future in this country. I'm not going to stay here. I'm not going to stay in a country where I don't feel safe."
Matter of fact. Got to go. Like the No more Mandelas story, even more powerful on TV than in transcript.

This is not even a decision for Jamie or this family. It is the only logical thing to do.

Right now I feel like I'm living in a foreign land and the only thing keeping me here is inertia.

Why stay?