What to do!???

[ColinK]

Hi Guys

Hope all is well,im sitting with a bit of a problem/issue if i can call it that,i had a fall out with my dad bout 3 months back and havent spoken to him since,to make it short ,i stay in jhb and they stay in nelspruit,i started my own business in jhb cuz of the oppurtunities here aspecially for electrical,anyways,so they came to visit me with the idea to talk about them moving here and my dad helping me with setting up another team as he is also an electrician and the work is to much for me to handle with current teams,so they came here and i worked the sat and sat evening we went for my moms b-day dinner and he wanted to discuss work further and i said that i was tired from working and its my moms b-day dinner so we can discuss it the next day,he got upset and said horrible things to me same as in the past and i said im no longer standing for the way he speaks to me,then they went to my place immediately and left,there are many details that im leaving out as i dont want this thread to be 100 pages,so i have told my mother that i want nothing to do with him and he is also not welcome at my house as he also ripped my curtain off trying to open them to open the door,so the question is what should i do or say,i am also hurting and dont want to throw my family away but he makes it hard as i am still very upset,i know ppl allways say family will allways be family but its not that simple anymore,please HELP!!!!!!!!!!,im aspecially looking for reply from older generation fathers who has sons approx my age,im 25 now....tx in advance

[wynn]

He is your father no matter what the dispute, tell him that and that you still love him inspite of this temporary insanity and emotional expierience.
But also explain that you don't want him interfering with your business anymore and if he wants you to respect him he must respect you as an adult.

Remember to keep the conversation adult to adult, don't revert to being the child and him the parent.

[ColinK]

Ok great tx for the advise,i have phoned my mom and told her they welcome to come this wkend so we can talk...

[Dave A]

Not enough there to profile the relationship, so hard to give specific advice. But I do support Wynn's comment - family is family so don't give up on that.

My thoughts are:
The biggest problem with men in general is their ego. Hard enough for most men to defer to any other - let alone their son...

If you have trouble working together, then don't - for the sake of your family relationship.

Listen to him, though. Sometimes us old f*rts do know a thing or two from our experience worth enough to take onboard.

But if you're the captain of your own ship now, the decisions and the responsibility for your results rests with you.

I hope that helps.

[wynn]

i have phoned my mom and told her they welcome to come this wkend so we can talk...

And we will get feedback?

[ColinK]

Hi Guys

I spoke to my mom and she said that i must come visit sometime when i got time and we both agreed that to talk about things would not be necesary,I should just visit and have a good time without opening old wounds,we are a close family so things should be fine,i am fine with all of this BUT i really feel that he should know if something like that happens again or if he talks to me like that again it will be the final straw,or do u think i should just leave it and go visit and carry on as normal and if things get out of hand then make my desicion,i think he got the picture from me not contacting him at all for so long,what u guys think??and thanks alot for all the advise,much appreciated...

[Just Gone]

I have had the same problem over the years with my father and vow to never let it happen with my children that are now 25 and 18 ! I also have my own business, but have got over the petty squabling with my old man - I just ignore him now, but if he wanted to get involved with my business I would let him but lay down strict guidlines/rules. I dont talk to him that often, but when I do I just basically agree with him and dont rock the boat anymore. I look at it as its his loss - he never had much to do with my kids/his grandchildren so its too bad, but I am over it now and just put up with him when I do see him. As the guys above have said he is family at the end of the day.

[Dave A]

or do u think i should just leave it and go visit and carry on as normal and if things get out of hand then make my desicion,

Not really involving family, but I've had a few monumental hatchet burying moments in my time. Based on that:

If the conversation starts heading in an uncomfortable direction that you think may lead to a blow-up, just go something along the lines of "it's been such a great day so far - let's not go there and ruin it. So do you think those steaks are ready yet?"

Just change the topic and move on.

Time's a great healer - just try to get some pleasant time together racked up. The day may come when the two of you can talk about issues without getting wound up, but I suggest you have to get to feel really comfortable in each other's company first before that day will work out well.