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Thread: Corporate bullshit

  1. #1
    Site Caretaker Dave A's Avatar
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    Corporate bullshit

    I have just been handed a copy of the dictionary of (bull.shit) by Nick Webb. I think I'll be posting excerpts during the course of the day as I snatch the odd moment to look up something.

    But to kick things off:

    challenge (n.), challenging (adj.) Difficult. An "opportunity" is slightly less threatening than a "challenge." Both may be "issues," but neither is a problem.

    consultants (n) The consumate professionals of our time. They don't make anything-they just take a view. Consultants are bright and may have a lot to offer because of the catholic range of their experience. It can make sense to use them to deal with some one-off upheaval requiring staff with specialist skills whom it would not be economic to recruit permanently. Unfortunately directors, lacking both confidence and moral courage, tend to draft in consultants when they need a third party to blame for something unpalatable. Consultants are staggeringly expensive, partly because they have perfected the art of teasing out the bleeding obvious and partly because their clients are so inept at specifying the task in the first place. See also consultancies under Political Bullshit.

    core values (n./jargon) This is flattering, for it presupposes that the corporation has values.
    The trouble with opportunity is it normally comes dressed up as work.

  2. #2
    Site Caretaker Dave A's Avatar
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    Having now read the introduction, I realise Nick Webb has got a fairly serious purpose in this book, so I'm going to move this thread to the Business Management forum. It's still hilariously funny, though. A few more:

    Bull.shit (n.; vi.; adj.; adv.; etc) 1: deceitful language; lies 2: jargon or cliches intended to place a positive spin on something plainly negative 3: anything said by a politician, CEO or PR flak 4: new age, modern, postmodern, cutting edge, meta or Xtreme 5: pretty much anything you read or hear these days.

    KPIs (acronym) Key Performance Indicators. KPIs were invented in order to quantify the unquantifiable. That is why they are especially popular in social services and local government. KPIs are seized upon by managers who are unsure of their own judgement or who inhabit organisations so twitchy that they feel the need to put assessments on an "objective" basis in case of subsequent litigation.

    legacy (n.) Disparaging term applied to existing and perfectly functional IT systems by those hoping to sell you something more sophisticated. The implimentation of the new system will push your business to the brink.

    on-the-job training (np.) Throw them in and see if they drown.
    The trouble with opportunity is it normally comes dressed up as work.

  3. #3
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    Legacy! Oh! How appropriate for our business today!
    Talked into the "ultimate"IT business tool - can't say I have achieved any work at all for the last two weeks!
    I so enjoy these Dave, thanks

    Can I make a suggestion, I have replied to this post - just as a passing comment, could we not "mark" these for deletion after a day or so, so we don't "clog" up the actual important part of the thread? Or is there already a way of deleting our own old posts?
    Yvonne

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    Site Caretaker Dave A's Avatar
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    I had a sneaking feeling you would like the legacy one given your recent experience

    On deleting posts - I think the reponses are an important part of any thread, Yvonne. They add perspective, colour and encouragement. We're a forum site, not puritan archivists
    The trouble with opportunity is it normally comes dressed up as work.

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    Site Caretaker Dave A's Avatar
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    Here are a few more:

    power napping (v.) Executives have mastered this valuable technique and often cite Winston Churchill as its most talented exponent. Ordinary workers merely fall asleep on the job.

    proactive (adj.) So much sexier than just doing something...

    Public Relations/PR (np.) Satan was not bad; he just suffered from bad press. Corporations are similar. It's often easier to fix the perception of the problem then the problem itself.

    stochastic (adj.) In science, this describes a process that is random but has a calculable probabillity; hence, it can be repeated. Anybody using this term (other than a scientist or mathematician) is a black-belt Bullshitter.

    strategic partnership (n./jargon) A dodgy co-venture in which both parties try to screw each other.

    sub-optimal (adj.) Pretty crap, really.

    vision (n.) Nobody wants a mere plan. It's not grand or messianic enough. Make sure you have a vision. Don't be like President Bush (Senior) who always had trouble with "the vision thing." If you simply cannot bring yourself to call your plan a "vision," at least call it a "strategy."
    The trouble with opportunity is it normally comes dressed up as work.

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    Any more from the dictionary of (bull.shit) by Nick Webb, Dave?

    I so enjoyed these posts!

    Yvonne

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    Site Caretaker Dave A's Avatar
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    I think Nick would get upset if I quoted too much of his brilliant book onto the web.

    Maybe we should start making up and sharing our own. Here's one I heard a while ago.

    Shoot the puppy (v./jargon) Execute a heartless/unpopular decision for hard business reasons. Easily identified by the sparsity of any volunteers queuing up to perform the deed itself and the acid test for would-be corporate executives. An example is cutting off the sole source of funding to the local AIDS orphanage that the company set up four years ago and is (now was) the headline sponsor.
    Last edited by Dave A; 25-Sep-08 at 09:52 PM.
    The trouble with opportunity is it normally comes dressed up as work.

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    Diamond Member wynn's Avatar
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    We love People and use money used by companies that love money and use People, discarding them if they lose their usefulness.

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    Site Caretaker Dave A's Avatar
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    joint venture Where one party does all the work and the other party spends all the money.
    The trouble with opportunity is it normally comes dressed up as work.

  10. Thank given for this post:

    Chatmaster (29-Sep-08), duncan drennan (02-Oct-08)

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    Site Caretaker Dave A's Avatar
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    deleveraging Turning your risky investments into cash faster than you have to pay back the money you "borrowed" to make the risky investment in the first place. This becomes a game of russian roulette when you are trying to collect the money from someone who can't pay you because you indirectly owe them the money they need to pay you in the first place.
    The trouble with opportunity is it normally comes dressed up as work.

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