Interesting and funny newspaper articles

[Citizen X]

“Rats! They ate my leg.”
This was the headline. I did loose the original article which I cut out. I was heartbroken. I mistakenly threw it away thinking it was part of the cut out litter. You know how in life sometimes you need to vent, you may say, drat, or more realistically F.... You can also say RATS!
In this article the sigh was however more poignant! This gentleman from an informal settlement had too much too drink, he went back to his home to sleep out his drunken stupor. On awakening he was horrified to find that half of his leg was already eaten by rats and moreover there were still some 10 rats busy eating his leg when he awoke!
I did keep this one thought.” Burnt corpse in a chair! Man dies while drinking.”
“On the night he died my brother had been at a local shebeen where he drank sorhum beer. Then he said he was cold and decided to go home and finish his beer there. Seeing his corpse afterwards just sitting in his chair shows that he had fallen asleep while still drinking.”

[Citizen X]

“Bust with Holy Wine! Church thief faces wrath of crowd"
“They even stole two bottles of sacramental wine..and were drinking the Holy water as they swaggered down the street! BUT they didn’t get far… instead they ran into the righteous rage of the people who had been wakened by the noise. They caught one of the sinful thugs…and gave him the beating of his life! The other servant of the devil escaped into the outer darkness from where he had come… The crowd grabbed one sinful thug, covered his head with a plastic bag-and beat the fear of God into him.”

[Citizen X]

Presumption of innocence etc, section 35(a)(b)(c) , section 35(3)(h) and 35(3)(j) of the Constitution of 1996. Don’t shoot the messenger..
In short this man’s employee claimed that her boss had demanded sex before paying her salary for four months. She files a charge, he’s arrested and spends a weekend in jail, which he dubs ,” My weekend from hell,” Now here’s where it gets interesting: While the reporter of this article is interviewing him, guess who calls him??? “The girl called the hairstylist requesting a meeting with him.” “ No, I am not going to meet you. Go to the hair salon in Newton and you will find your salary there.” The obvious rationale: The last time she requested her salary, he ended up in jail!
one man's weekend from hell is another man's weekend in heaven, jail: free food and accomodation..

[Citizen X]

Now, how would you feel if you found human waste, an open Bible and some candles at your front door???
BAD VIBES . . . Gogo Elizabeth Sibisi found muthi, a bible and candles at the gate of her house. Photo by Happy Baloyi

By NELISIWE MAGUBANE
THE old gogo almost collapsed in terror when she opened the front gate.
In front of her house lay a Bible, muthi and three candles. Human waste was lying nearby.
NOW GOGO ELIZABETH SIBISI LIVES IN FEAR . . . SOMEBODY IS USING EVIL MUTHI AND THE HOLY BOOK TO ATTACK HER!
“I felt powerless and stood there in shock for some time before calling my husband,” said Elizabeth (70).
Her husband Steve Sibisi (66) said: “I didn’t know what to think. It’s the first time I have seen such evil on my doorstep.”
“The black candle and the human shit is meant to bring bad luck to the people in the house....”

[Citizen X]

I don’t know how authentic this employment advert is. I’m furthermore not its originator. I also don’t agree with its content alternatively I don't share its sentiments. I’m merely putting it out there for further comment if any.This advert has been making the Google rounds for the past 2 years. If it is indeed authentic, it does make for interesting reading. The original source of this is attached as a PDF doc. Perhaps someone can shed some greater light on this advert, is it authentic or not(Dont shoot the messenger, I’m just the humble messenger!)

“VACANCY: NEWS EDITOR
Requirements

The incumbant will be required to:
- use excessive numbers of exclaimation marks;
- accurately use CAPITAL letters in the middle of sentences;
- accurately differentiate between various spiritual/mythical beings, especially when images of these beings are sent to the newsdesk;
- ignore facts that might get in the way of a good story;
- re-write copy to make it entertaining, lively, gripping and no longer capable of winning any journalistic prizes;
- beat any journalist with a sjambok if their copy does not include at least one of the following: sex, death, tokoloshe (or any other mythical being), broken houses, a bullet, male or female sexual organs;
- report to the editor directly, calling him Baas;
- write billboards and posters that will jointly intrigue and cause car crashes as the drivers piss themselves laughing, and
- show an intense dislike for white people, especially if that witou’s name is Helen or if their surname is Zille – or if they belong to that bastard idiotic Democratic Alliance party.
The incumbant must also:
- have a valid South African identity document (we hate amaKwereKwere);
- the ability to pronouce the word ‘elbow’ in isiZulu;
- a legal drivers’ licence – because chasing after the tokoloshe requires long drives to Limpopo;
- proof of at least one encounter with an alien, tokoloshe, poltergeist or ghost;
- evidence of having witnessed or been involved in the sexual molestation of a goat (or any other beast);
- been to school, even if it is only Grade 5; and
- absolutely no moral inclination for the truth.
The ability to swear excessively in at least three of the official languages will also come in handy, as will the ownership of shoes. If you sleep with your bed on bricks – and can prove it – your chances of employment are greatly improved.
Applications can be emailed to baas.editor@dailysun.co.zaand cc’d to the.tokoloshe@eish.com.”

[Citizen X]

1. Xenophobia reared its ugly head in South Africa on 12 May 2008. I don’t condone violence, damage to property or any other unlawful activity. I respect freedom of speech very much. There are many root causes for the violence and damage to property that took place in 2008. It’s noteworthy that 2 of the reasons many of our South African’s gave for such violence is 1: Non Nationals(Foreign Nationals) are taking our jobs and 2: Non Nationals(Foreign Nationals) are taking our women. I don’t necessarily agree with this argument;
2. A humanitarian refugee crisis occurred. It’s noteworthy that South Africa has never had the equivalent of “roswell,’ and ‘area 51.’ The vast majority of our people do however accept the existence of ghosts;
3. It is therefore noteworthy that The Daily Sun ran many articles with the title ‘Alien.’ The one thing I do recall of this period is that in SABC footage of the xenophobia, both non nationals and South Africans were captured carrying the Daily Sun;
4. Whilst murder, violence and damage to property can never really be a laughing matter, it’s noteworthy that non nationals were also attacked and robbed by people that they turned to for help. There were reported incidents of non nationals turning to certain police officers for help. In instead of the expected help, certain police officers also assaulted the non nationals and subsequently also robbed them. There were also reported incidents of non nationals requiring help by nursing staff and in particular ambulance service. There was one incident in which an ambulance picked up a non national that was severely injured and in need of medical assistance. On route to what this individual believed to be a hospital, the ambulance suddenly stopped, it’s driver and paramedics subsequently assaulted this non national and thn also proceeded to rob him before dumping him on the side of the road and driving off;
5. On 29 May 2009 the MMP filed a complaint with the press ombudsman for the way in which the Daily Sun covered the xenophobia. They included the following headlines as part of the complaint itself
“I know that thug!” “Do not rob thy neighbour! Nine alien thugs robbed a
Metrorail security man… they did not know he had recognized one of
them” (08/04/2008 p. 1)
“Magic rats are stealing my cash!” “A tuck shop owner believes that a
Zimbabwean merchant is sending debt collectors to her place – magical
rats! The frightened woman admits that she has owed the alien merchant
money since last year” (14/04/2008 p. 3)
“This isn’t magic, it’s theft! Aliens disappear with the cash” (15/04/2008, p.
10)
Aliens bust in crime drive” (9/04/2008 p. 13)
“Aliens: We’ve lost faith in cops” (15/04/2008 p. 2)
“Alien girl (9) dies in attack! (16/04/2008 p. 5)
“Bloody end of alien lover” (09/05/2008 p. 2)
“They wait for dark before they attack! Aliens use muthi to steal our
cattle!” (09/05/2008 p. 11)
“It’s war on aliens! 20 bust for attacks!” (13/05/2008 p. 4)
“Cops said I was an alien! Homeboy angry after jail horror (14/05/2008 p.
1)
“War against aliens! Thousands forced to flee Alex” (14/05/2008 p. 2)
“Aliens: The truth! Daily Sun tells why Alex exploded” (15/05/2008 p. 1)
“Alex aliens want to go home” (15/05/2008 p. 2)
“Destruction rages in Diepsloot! Looters wage war on cops as alien attacks
spread”
“Blood and flames! Aliens killed and injured as new attacks stoke flames of
hatred” (19/05/2008 p. 3)
“Rampage! 13 aliens dead as angry flames of hatred spread!” (19/05/2008
p. 1)
“The Alien Terror!; Helicopter chases warring crowds! Fleeing the mighty
wind! Going home to moz! Page 3” (20/05/2008 p. 1)
“The Alien Terror!; Goodbye Mzansi! 500 fearful Mozambicans pack up
and go…” (20/05/2008 p. 3)
“The Alien Terror!; Battleground: Images of war in the streets!”
(20/05/2008 p. 4)
“Aliens run for their lives!” (21/05/2008 p. 1)
“Shots fired in alien battle” (21/05/2008 p. 2)
“We’re leaving… with nothing! – The alien terror!” (21/05/2008 p. 3)”
6. Whilst xenophobia in and of itself can never be justified and/or condoned some of the arguments for it are simply noteworthy. The argument that if any South African were to attempt to open a spaza shop in Harare, they would be swiftly and brutally be dealt with by the authorities there in terms of arrest and deportation and the argument that SARs are hard on small South African business man but do little or nothing to non nationals trading tax free
A further characteristic of our South African xenophobia which never took place in any other country before and hasn’t taken place in any other country since was the concept of robbing a shop(mainly supermarkets) under the auspices of xenophobia, the opportunist criminal. The modus operandi was fairly simple, a group of people would enter a foreign national’s supermarket and simply help themselves to whatever they wanted from the shelves and then simply just walk out without paying. It was not shoplifting, you see, the shoplifter conceals his theft and the theft is normally confined to 1 small item. In these instances our people helped themselves to whatever they wanted, they didn’t conceal the fact that they were stealing from you at all and they furthermore took their time robbing you!“
"Cops said I was an alien! Homeboy angry after jail horror" (14/05/2008 p.1). This one stands out for me, in essence a South African citizen was arrested on the basis that he was a foreign national. He was also treated brutally by the police while in custody on the basis that they thought he was a foreign national. He was very angry! His anger was not that the police should not treat foreign nationals brutally, if memory serves well, he was actually in support of the police treating foreign nationals brutally. He was against the fact that they mistook him for a foreign national!
The term ‘Kasi,’ stems from a South African language ‘funny galore,’ or ‘Fanagalo.’Kasi means place.’ This had racial connotations as it’s true origin was from the Afrikaans word ,’Lokasie,’ which means ‘location.’ “Fanagalo is a pidgin (simplified language) based primarily on Zulu, with English and a small Afrikaans input.” “In South Africa, the term township and location usually refers to the (often underdeveloped) urban living areas that, from the late 19th century until the end of Apartheid, were reserved for non-whites (black Africans, Coloureds and Indians).”
I remember this ‘Kasi’ chooses peace, shame faced residents return Somali loot,” article very clearly as it was released during the world cup period. I asked many of my Black friends whether they took offence to the use of the word ‘Kasi,’ in this articles. The vast majority of them said no and further that they approved of it’s use in this particular context of an informal settlement’s residents returning stolen goods to its’ foreign national’s owner. It is for this reason that I say that they daily Sun could read the mood of the vast majority of South Africans at that time and furthermore that no matter how the daily Sun uses certain apartheid era terms, the Daily Sun reader takes no offence!

7. The government’s position at the time of these attacks was that non nationals be reintegrated into their communities hence this cartoon

[Citizen X]

We know the idiom, 'if the cap fits,'(or is it an idiom?) BUT since this is South Africa we allowed some departures from the norm...If the uniform doesn't fit don't let him wear it!

[Citizen X]

“MOER EACH OTHER NOW! NO MERCY FOR TWO FENCE THIEVES,” A Daily Sun article




The Daily Sun: I love the Daily Sun. It’s my favorite newspaper. I believe that it is indeed the fastest selling newspaper in South Africa. I buy it daily Monday to Friday. My day is just not the same without reading this newspaper. Once I’ve read the current day’s publication, I actually look forward to the publication of the next day. I’m no doctor, I’m a layperson to the filed of medicine, but I am a ‘nutty bush doctor,’ as such I can prescribe remedies, that don’t involve any form of medication and/or tablets whatsoever. So, in my official capacity as ‘nutty bush doctor,’ I prescribe that you buy and read the Daily Sun daily! It will have therapeutic benefit, it will make you laugh and at times surprise you as to the inner working of certain people’s minds. It’s a remedy for stress and working hard and long hours. It will provide you with temporary escapism.1. I correspond, snail mail, with several inmates in South Africa and overseas. One such inmate Mr xyz, in the Califonia State penitentiary, looks forward to my posting him a copy of the Daily Sun. I do this for him once a month, I choose the edition that was most appealing to me; He always says the Daily Sun newspaper amuses him and his fellow inmates, it helps them get through the week and further that they’ve never come across such a newspaper before!
2. I have family overseas that also insist on me posting a copy of the Daily Sun to them. They aware that certain Daily Sun articles are on the Daily Sun’s website, but they insist on a complete addition.

“Moer each other now! No mercy for two fence thieves,”
1. In South Africa mob justice is not uncommon. Yes, it’s unlawful to take the law into your own hands and in doing so you commit a criminal offense. I don’t condone violence or any unlawful activity. We used to a situation where people living in informal settlements engage in kangaroo courts in which they either beat and/or kill the alleged thief or law breaker;
2. This situation was entirely different! Two characters stole some steel with intent to sell it to scrap metal dealers. The angry mob caught them!
3. Instead of the angry mob beating and/or killing them, they set a new precedent for mob justice. Force the two thieves to beat each other up. You must not play fight , you must really beat each other up or face the wrath of the angry mob! Which is better??
4. The angry mob gave the two thieves two sjamboks and ordered them to whip each other while people took photos with their cell phones.
“One thug, in his late 30’s asked for mercy from his younger stronger accomplice, but the 22 year old man said: “I can’t show mercy – I’ve been ordered to whip you!”

[Citizen X]

Don’t mess with the Rasta council, they’ll cut your hair off!!!
Rueben reported 2 other rastas to the Rasta council for breaking into his house, their punishment was having their hair cut off! BUT, after that these 2 reported Rueben to the very same council for undermining or judging them! So, the council cut his hair off! You damned if you do and you damned if you don’t!

[Citizen X]

“I’m alive honestly!!”
I’m not entirely sure who coined the phrase “Horror Affairs,” to depict the Department of Home Affairs. I think it’s the Daily Sun’s handicraft!
Poor Moemise Mokwape, clearly alive and well, finally got his dream job. He worked diligently for an entire month and like all employees went to draw his money at the end of the month. BUT No money there to draw! WHY?? According to Home Affairs he’s dead!
SO, he went to Home Affairs, “AND officials there said he was dead!”
Now, to prove that he is alive he had to go to the police station to depose an affidavit, I can imagine that conversation! If the police are renowned for being insensitive to victims of crime, then how much more so in this case. ..YES, officer, I’m here to prove I’m alive..
“So I thought the nightmare was over and I would be declared alive soon. But that still hasn’t happened.”